To find someone who will love you for no reason, and to shower that person with reasons, that is the ultimate happiness.
No one is really on the way to recovery. I'll never recover. I hate myself as always. This whole damn situation has made me go harder. Sometimes, we choose to be who we are. But most of the time, we become who we are not because it's our own choice but because it's the only way that we can continue life.
Damn. I said sorry already, I already said sorry that time during our not-so-long ago text conversation. But haven't I paid even more? This is why being hard makes me feel better. i got a new condo, immediately after I returned from Colorado. It's more comfortable to actually live here in Ortigas. I will continue to prove my dad that I can live on my own, away from his house in qc. Thanks to my past girlfriend, Julia, who happens to work under condo companies, too, for helping me scout a new house because I did not really had much time to do it on my own. I even cannot believe that I accepted that woman's help. Just a realization. I think I did not put the pieces back after the 2nd heartbreak. Just now, I thought about things and how I went through trials in the past months. It made me go harder, harder that I was able to talk to Julia now. That's odd.
These past few weeks, I have worked harder to make myself a better man. Upon avoiding social media, I have done my best in being able to share what I have to other people. The good side about it is eventually, all the pieces are falling into place. I don't think these are good carma. I have just made myself feel better and helped myself become better person after that huge heartbreak. I never gave up because my energy is limitless.
My heart jumps with joy. It never felt this good. With my consistent medicines I have started to see the good side of life. After my grandparents have talked to me, I can say that life has it's own goodness! I can see a bright and satisfying future ahead. I've never been so grateful for everything I have but for the past days my grandparents made me look at a glimpse of my future. I just discovered how lucky I am for owning all the things and people I have. I now believe that the rainbow is colorful because it shows us different colors of life that comes after the rain. Colors that make us feel better to strive to be the best. Best grandson perhaps. Haha. And to that someone who can make me fall in love again, I will make her the luckiest princess ever. 😃😎 - Dr. Mike Wong
I always came home drunk for the past few days already. Tonight is actually the first time I stayed out not drinking anything but just playing poker here in a friend's house. It does not matter if I win or lose. I do not care how much I spend losing, or earn in winning. I just want to have fun. Maybe if I am drunk, someone will care for me. Or maybe if I win and give my money to everyone, then I will feel that somebody will accept and love me. I am hurting inside but I will hide it as deep as I can and as long as I need to. Nobody can ever see that I have a weak side. No one should ever know that my disorder ruins my life. I never cried infront of other people. Whenever I am in pain, I always keep it and I do not let others see it. Nobody will ever know that I am always hurting inside. Nobody can hurt me again ever.
Kim, you are happy now maybe. Or maybe absolutely happy. I do not exactly know what it was that I should have done so you could have given me a chance. I dunno how exactly you can be happy while unknowingly hurting someone you barely know from afar, because you did not give me a chance to change for you. I disdain myself because of you. If I can do something just so I will not remember anything about you, then I would be more than willing to do everything. I do not hope that someday I will be fooled like the way I did to you. But you do not really know how much I needed to kill my heart so I can forget you because I still think about you every ordinary day. It's always been you. And I am really clueless about how long this would last. Yes, men get hurt too. I get hurt and cry. But I do not like to feel pain anymore. I know, I should not be letting the pain harden my whole being and my heart. However, it is the only way for me to stop getting hurt. This bothered me for almost 2 months and I am already tired. I have to continue living my life.
I realized that I have already spent a long time drowning myself into this grief and depression. If she has moved on by blocking me everywhere, then yes it is time for me to move on, too. I took these two girls seriously, then the other one did not forgive me and both of them just left me. They only knew me when I made them happy, especially the last one, the virtual one. But when I made a mistake, no chance. I am going to stop taking girls seriously from now on. When Kim experienced pain from me, I asked for chances that I did not really feel. She told me that I had a chance but I did not even really feel it. It's enough. I've taken these two girls seriously and for the first time in my life I realized that it's only me that was really hurt. I will move on with my life and stop loving truthfully. Like what these two girls did, girls would just be there if you are making them happy. But one single mistake will make them leave just like that. No more serious attachments to anyone. I will let everything go, including the only good part in me -- which is loving a woman with my whole heart and soul. Both of them ruined me. They ruined the whole me. And I can never be repaired again. So this person who I am now is the result of what happened to my life after two women turned their backs on me despite telling me that: "I am not leaving" or "I am here". I am totally wrecked. Julia and Kim wrecked me. But the worst part is, I totally ruined myself for liking and falling in love with someone from the virtual world. This will never happen to me again. I would never ever let myself be hurt again. |
Dr. Michael Wong's pageI am Mike, Archives
May 2016
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