The worst feeling in the world is knowing that your life is good, but inside you're broken and misunderstood.
If you were able to read my blogs for the past months, it became obvious to all of you that I underwent a lot of pain and heartaches. Before I was able to build this asylum, I've been trying to survive every minute of my life. My life is supposed to be awesome. I was born to privilege, and with that comes specific obligations. When I was a little boy I've been encountering ups and downs, high's and low's in school. I was not able to make use of my intelligence, which I believe I got from both of my parents.
As I grow up, my life has been dominated by the variations of my moods and irritability. I was transferred from one boys' school to another, but the most difficult part is the unacceptance that I got from my father. I felt the difference on how he looked at my brother and how he treated me as we grow up. For him, Martin is the best son, the most intelligent boy, brilliant kid and the one who will follow his foot steps. And also for him, I am always the ab-normal boy who does not deserve love and affection. It was difficult to grow up as a teen and a young adult. I never know what exactly happened to me during times that I do not even remember some days or weeks in my life. Only God knows how much I wanted to know what kind of a human being I am. Every day I pray for the day when I will understand myself. It's like I am lost and I cannot find my soul, no matter how and where I search for it.
It was also during my teenage years when I met the girl of my dreams. I fell in love with a Paulinian(a charming girl from St. Paul College). Every afternoon when I was a junior, I rushed my driver to go to SPC so I can see her. I courted her through chocolates, cards, balloons, but I never gave her flowers. I promised myself that I would only give a bouquet of roses to the girl who will be a woman someday, that I will marry. I waited for 1 year, then 2,3,4 until we reached our 8th year. We have traveled a lot and I must admit, those were the happiest days of my life. I found a girl, a person who would love me unconditionally, aside from my brother and mother. Those days were the happiest days of my life because I was in love. Those years made my life worth it despite the miserable experiences I encounter with my father every time I went home after school, or when we eat dinner and we all shouted in front of the dining area. My dad, my father, my baba-- He shouted at me every night, telling me how unfortunate he is because he has a son like me.
It was my girlfriend that time who became my confidante and bestfriend, and we were happy. I went to States with her and it was also that time when I decided to propose to her. I posted my proposal papers around the place. It has the question: "Julia will you spend your lifetime with me?" She said yes. She said, she will marry me. We were engaged for months and I was happy. I thought she was happy, too.
A week before our wedding, during the time when everything was already fixed, she met with me. I sat down in front of her that night with my bouquet of roses. Yes, the bouquet of roses is my sign that I will marry that woman. I never gave her a single rose because I promised myself that I will only give that to the woman that I would love for the rest of my life. And so I brought it for her. But when I was about to give it to her, she did not even look at me. She did not even bother to look at me and speak to me. She held her hand, her finger, and removed the engagement ring that I gave. That moment crushed my dreams. That minute, I wanted to die. That moment changed everything.
What happened to us made me believe that I am not worth loving. I went abroad to study for my specialization. There I met an older woman who gave me a girl's name. I've been going around hospitals that time when I met her. She told me I must meet her relative in the Philippines. I read the paper and put it in an organizer. That time I was not ready to meet anyone. That time, my heart was not ready for someone.
2 years have passed after I packed my stuff and cleaned my things. I went back to the Philippines and saw that organizer again. I decided to open it to see what were the things that I wrote in there. Surprisingly I found this girl's name. Then I gave it a try. I searched for her but I did not add her because just like how I was worried 2 years ago, I was still worried that time because the girl might not want to meet someone online. So I thought of it twice or thrice. I also thought of how to find her in person if she won't reply to me on facebook.
I was actually scared that time. Scared that if she finds out about my psychiatric diagnosis, she will never accept me.
I was correct all those times, she never really accepted me. She would never do. Maybe, just maybe, she is too perfect to accept someone like me in her life.
At first, I felt guilty. Months have passed after she went away, then came back and away again... for good.
I have lost the feeling of guilt. Right now, at this very moment, I only have one special feeling for her. I must admit, I was happy when she's here. I was happy to feel that someone might accept and love me without leaving me after a few years. I was glad that after years, I felt love once again. It's the feeling that I never ever imagined. She was someone I met in the virtual world. She is someone that I could've treated more special.
Yes, I was wrong when I lied to her. I was wrong when I destroyed her trust in me, if ever she did really trust me. It was a very huge mistake that I did not take care of her, and honestly right now, I am stuck and stranded because I do not know what to do. I am afraid to learn someday that she will be loving someone else.
I am scared because eversince I was a kid, no one held my hand. I've been alone in this life. I've faced so many down moments on my own and until now I still do not know what to do. It's like walking inside a dark tunnel, not seeing any light, and not being able to create an opening to be able to go out. My brain does not tell me what to do.
If ever I would get a chance to turn back time, I would return to her and never lie to her. That's what we're suppose to do to someone we love, right?
It was 214 days ago, since I first messaged her. It is already 7 months and I still feel the same way for her. It's been 104 days since she got mad at me for the nth time and decided to leave me for good.
It's been 104 days, it's been more than 3 months that I couldn't stop myself from thinking about her. It's been that long.... and each day I realize that for the past more than hundred days, I've been loving her every day.
If you were able to read my blogs for the past months, it became obvious to all of you that I underwent a lot of pain and heartaches. Before I was able to build this asylum, I've been trying to survive every minute of my life. My life is supposed to be awesome. I was born to privilege, and with that comes specific obligations. When I was a little boy I've been encountering ups and downs, high's and low's in school. I was not able to make use of my intelligence, which I believe I got from both of my parents.
As I grow up, my life has been dominated by the variations of my moods and irritability. I was transferred from one boys' school to another, but the most difficult part is the unacceptance that I got from my father. I felt the difference on how he looked at my brother and how he treated me as we grow up. For him, Martin is the best son, the most intelligent boy, brilliant kid and the one who will follow his foot steps. And also for him, I am always the ab-normal boy who does not deserve love and affection. It was difficult to grow up as a teen and a young adult. I never know what exactly happened to me during times that I do not even remember some days or weeks in my life. Only God knows how much I wanted to know what kind of a human being I am. Every day I pray for the day when I will understand myself. It's like I am lost and I cannot find my soul, no matter how and where I search for it.
It was also during my teenage years when I met the girl of my dreams. I fell in love with a Paulinian(a charming girl from St. Paul College). Every afternoon when I was a junior, I rushed my driver to go to SPC so I can see her. I courted her through chocolates, cards, balloons, but I never gave her flowers. I promised myself that I would only give a bouquet of roses to the girl who will be a woman someday, that I will marry. I waited for 1 year, then 2,3,4 until we reached our 8th year. We have traveled a lot and I must admit, those were the happiest days of my life. I found a girl, a person who would love me unconditionally, aside from my brother and mother. Those days were the happiest days of my life because I was in love. Those years made my life worth it despite the miserable experiences I encounter with my father every time I went home after school, or when we eat dinner and we all shouted in front of the dining area. My dad, my father, my baba-- He shouted at me every night, telling me how unfortunate he is because he has a son like me.
It was my girlfriend that time who became my confidante and bestfriend, and we were happy. I went to States with her and it was also that time when I decided to propose to her. I posted my proposal papers around the place. It has the question: "Julia will you spend your lifetime with me?" She said yes. She said, she will marry me. We were engaged for months and I was happy. I thought she was happy, too.
A week before our wedding, during the time when everything was already fixed, she met with me. I sat down in front of her that night with my bouquet of roses. Yes, the bouquet of roses is my sign that I will marry that woman. I never gave her a single rose because I promised myself that I will only give that to the woman that I would love for the rest of my life. And so I brought it for her. But when I was about to give it to her, she did not even look at me. She did not even bother to look at me and speak to me. She held her hand, her finger, and removed the engagement ring that I gave. That moment crushed my dreams. That minute, I wanted to die. That moment changed everything.
What happened to us made me believe that I am not worth loving. I went abroad to study for my specialization. There I met an older woman who gave me a girl's name. I've been going around hospitals that time when I met her. She told me I must meet her relative in the Philippines. I read the paper and put it in an organizer. That time I was not ready to meet anyone. That time, my heart was not ready for someone.
2 years have passed after I packed my stuff and cleaned my things. I went back to the Philippines and saw that organizer again. I decided to open it to see what were the things that I wrote in there. Surprisingly I found this girl's name. Then I gave it a try. I searched for her but I did not add her because just like how I was worried 2 years ago, I was still worried that time because the girl might not want to meet someone online. So I thought of it twice or thrice. I also thought of how to find her in person if she won't reply to me on facebook.
I was actually scared that time. Scared that if she finds out about my psychiatric diagnosis, she will never accept me.
I was correct all those times, she never really accepted me. She would never do. Maybe, just maybe, she is too perfect to accept someone like me in her life.
At first, I felt guilty. Months have passed after she went away, then came back and away again... for good.
I have lost the feeling of guilt. Right now, at this very moment, I only have one special feeling for her. I must admit, I was happy when she's here. I was happy to feel that someone might accept and love me without leaving me after a few years. I was glad that after years, I felt love once again. It's the feeling that I never ever imagined. She was someone I met in the virtual world. She is someone that I could've treated more special.
Yes, I was wrong when I lied to her. I was wrong when I destroyed her trust in me, if ever she did really trust me. It was a very huge mistake that I did not take care of her, and honestly right now, I am stuck and stranded because I do not know what to do. I am afraid to learn someday that she will be loving someone else.
I am scared because eversince I was a kid, no one held my hand. I've been alone in this life. I've faced so many down moments on my own and until now I still do not know what to do. It's like walking inside a dark tunnel, not seeing any light, and not being able to create an opening to be able to go out. My brain does not tell me what to do.
If ever I would get a chance to turn back time, I would return to her and never lie to her. That's what we're suppose to do to someone we love, right?
It was 214 days ago, since I first messaged her. It is already 7 months and I still feel the same way for her. It's been 104 days since she got mad at me for the nth time and decided to leave me for good.
It's been 104 days, it's been more than 3 months that I couldn't stop myself from thinking about her. It's been that long.... and each day I realize that for the past more than hundred days, I've been loving her every day.