Kim, you are happy now maybe. Or maybe absolutely happy. I do not exactly know what it was that I should have done so you could have given me a chance. I dunno how exactly you can be happy while unknowingly hurting someone you barely know from afar, because you did not give me a chance to change for you. I disdain myself because of you. If I can do something just so I will not remember anything about you, then I would be more than willing to do everything. I do not hope that someday I will be fooled like the way I did to you. But you do not really know how much I needed to kill my heart so I can forget you because I still think about you every ordinary day. It's always been you. And I am really clueless about how long this would last.
I always came home drunk for the past few days already. Tonight is actually the first time I stayed out not drinking anything but just playing poker here in a friend's house. It does not matter if I win or lose. I do not care how much I spend losing, or earn in winning. I just want to have fun. Maybe if I am drunk, someone will care for me. Or maybe if I win and give my money to everyone, then I will feel that somebody will accept and love me. I am hurting inside but I will hide it as deep as I can and as long as I need to. Nobody can ever see that I have a weak side. No one should ever know that my disorder ruins my life. I never cried infront of other people. Whenever I am in pain, I always keep it and I do not let others see it. Nobody will ever know that I am always hurting inside. Nobody can hurt me again ever.
Kim, you are happy now maybe. Or maybe absolutely happy. I do not exactly know what it was that I should have done so you could have given me a chance. I dunno how exactly you can be happy while unknowingly hurting someone you barely know from afar, because you did not give me a chance to change for you. I disdain myself because of you. If I can do something just so I will not remember anything about you, then I would be more than willing to do everything. I do not hope that someday I will be fooled like the way I did to you. But you do not really know how much I needed to kill my heart so I can forget you because I still think about you every ordinary day. It's always been you. And I am really clueless about how long this would last.
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Yes, men get hurt too. I get hurt and cry. But I do not like to feel pain anymore. I know, I should not be letting the pain harden my whole being and my heart. However, it is the only way for me to stop getting hurt. This bothered me for almost 2 months and I am already tired. I have to continue living my life.
I realized that I have already spent a long time drowning myself into this grief and depression. If she has moved on by blocking me everywhere, then yes it is time for me to move on, too. I took these two girls seriously, then the other one did not forgive me and both of them just left me. They only knew me when I made them happy, especially the last one, the virtual one. But when I made a mistake, no chance. I am going to stop taking girls seriously from now on. When Kim experienced pain from me, I asked for chances that I did not really feel. She told me that I had a chance but I did not even really feel it. It's enough. I've taken these two girls seriously and for the first time in my life I realized that it's only me that was really hurt. I will move on with my life and stop loving truthfully. Like what these two girls did, girls would just be there if you are making them happy. But one single mistake will make them leave just like that. No more serious attachments to anyone. I will let everything go, including the only good part in me -- which is loving a woman with my whole heart and soul. Both of them ruined me. They ruined the whole me. And I can never be repaired again. So this person who I am now is the result of what happened to my life after two women turned their backs on me despite telling me that: "I am not leaving" or "I am here". I am totally wrecked. Julia and Kim wrecked me. But the worst part is, I totally ruined myself for liking and falling in love with someone from the virtual world. This will never happen to me again. I would never ever let myself be hurt again. I need someone to talk to.... I cannot take this anymore.
I dunno what I really need. Do I need love because someone left me? I dunno i dunno I am trying to find answers here! But I could not understand any word anymore! This life sucks!! Why do I need to feel this way why!! Whyyyyyy
Tonight I feel so horrible. Ever since I started ruining myself because of what I did to a girl, I stopped taking medications. I hate myself for reasons that I do not fucking understand. I am the worst person alive! Is this enough to make someone I hurt, happy? Knowing that I think and feel a lot of things that I do not even understand. This life is hell.
Just like those times that I was studying medicine and surgery. just like those times that I was still involved with Online Serenade part time job in Canada and America, I will sing here in a debut party of my friend's sister tonight. It is because a debutant deserves a serenade, and I was asked by my friends to sing songs this night as part of the band. This Sam Smith's song entitled Stay With Me is my main song for tonight here in one of the most prestigious Hotels in Manila.
Stay With Me [Verse 1:] Guess it's true, I'm not good at a one-night stand But I still need love 'cause I'm just a man These nights never seem to go to plan I don't want you to leave, will you hold my hand? [Chorus:] Oh, won't you stay with me? 'Cause you're all I need This ain't love, it's clear to see But darling, stay with me [Verse 2:] Why am I so emotional? No, it's not a good look, gain some self-control And deep down I know this never works But you can lay with me so it doesn't hurt [Chorus 3x] It's been years ago since I last talked to my ex-girlfriend, Julia in a friendly and proper manner. I realized that I have already moved on from this woman because I felt I have fully forgiven her. I learned to let go and fall for someone new more than a month ago. It was actually during our recent conversation just this Thursday night that I realized also that I have already forgiven her. In fact, no one should be blamed with what happened. She cheated on me and I also decided to let her go that time. After our relationship, we became strangers for several years, and now, friends again. No more hard feelings and no more turning back. I told her about my story, when I learned to like someone from the virtual world. She said, it happens that people really find their matches online, but only in rare ocassions. I told her, I did not give up on that woman even if she's already gone. That was actually the first time I did not give up in my entire life even if she told me she would not give me a chance anymore. Even if she already cut all her connections with me, I still did not give up because my heart never did.
Honestly, I never really forgot her. Until now, my feelings are the same even if I do not have contact with her anymore, Even though I was not able to prove to her what I really feel, at least I have proven myself that my feelings are true. The fact that my heart went over my head, I know she is special to me, and I thank her for allowing me to treat her special even for a small period of time. If she could just read this, though I know she would not even bother, I want her to know that I have true feelings for her eversince and I am very much thankful because she was able to make me feel happy that time. She accepted me no questions asked, but I returned a big lie to her that I will regret for the rest of my life. I know that if I only made it all right from the start, it could have been the best love story I could have ever known. I actually hated her for not really giving me a chance during the last time we talked. But now I understand her already. I have fooled a very special person whom I have just known for less than a month due to an unacceptable reason. And, Sorry is not sorry until it is seen. But I want her to know someday that I am heartily sorry for hurting her. She's always been special to me but I do not have a chance to show it anymore. I never stopped thinking about her, and my heart never stopped beating for her, However, there are people in life that we cannot force to stay forever. As I admit my mistake in this recent blog, I also let my heartaches float on air now. Someday, I might breathe it in again and let real love be felt once more. I feel sad because she gave up on me, but I also feel blessed that this happened to me. I never imagined myself loving someone truthfully, until Julia and Kim came into my life. They brought colors to my black and white mind-set and made me see the stars hiding in my cloudy endless nights. As I ended my conversation with Julia, I learned that love exists and is felt in different ways. I will always be sorry for what I did to Kim, but eventhough she did not give me a chance anymore, I will never regret loving her and never giving up until the universe makes me stop feeling this way, When Julia left the restaurant, I drove away and raced with the reckless highway drivers. My out of town post, soon. This day, daddy came home to the Philippines to visit our family business. Same as what he did a month ago, he asked me to go out with him and drink.
Tonight while sitting inside my own room, I will be trying to put out in this writing everything that I have in mind. I will try to tell here his words and everything he told me as much as I can remember. I continue to blog because I do not want to talk about this with anyone. In this world full of judgmental people and those people who come and just immediately go without giving you a chance, I know no one will ever understand me. Not even a Psychiatrist who thinks of himself as an expert of minds. "You cannot prove anything because you cannot do anything," For now, it has been bothering me if I can't really do anything. actually, I don't know what to do or how can I do anything, because for him, everything I do is bullshit and nonsense. "You have been left twice already, first, by the woman who trashed your 8 year-relationship and your months of engagement and now, by someone who you thought would ever accept you if she learns about your pretentious crap. Then you told your brother, you really liked her." A mix-up of everything he said. but it has a follow-up I could never forget. "You really think someone would accept and love a boy like you?" I suddenly realized that I was born to experience pain. It did not sink in to me until this time. These 2 women chose to leave me because of reasons like what my father said. The first one, threw away almost a half of my life and the second one threw away the only thing I know I could offer and that is to love truthfully. I was not forgiven because I do not deserve it. If daddy only knows that I did not intend to hurt someone because I am not really a liar. I hid myself because of fear and when I finally had the courage to tell her the truth and be real, I was not given a chance because I do not even deserve to be accepted. For years, I have been hearing a lot of things from my father. A lot of hurtful things that not even me could ever describe. Ever since I was young, I have been trying to please him. Despite the disorder, I have tried to seek for help just so I could be a doctor abroad like him. Wherever he was, I was there because I want to do everything just so I could impress him, even if it takes me to ruin my own dreams and life. Tonight I realized that there is nothing more I can do. I am the last person who should ask for acceptance from people because even my own father cannot accept me. Tonight I realize that my life in this world is a mistake because nobody ever told me that I have done anything right. This life should stop already. I don't want this anymore. Looking at my friends, I mean my real life friends who are women, I came to realize that I can just pick one of them to be my girlfriend or someone who I can marry.
but sadly, Even if I can do that, I would not just do that. days have passed and I still think of her. if i can just forget her in a snap, I have already done it a thousand times. i have been a mess but I liked her for who she is and I took what she said that "I'm here" seriously. And I don't even know if I can hold on to that. Right now, I dunno where she is. Or maybe, she has someone new that's why she dropped me. But when I decided to be real and ask for one last chance, that was also the time when she cut all her communications with me. So I decided to let her go. If she only knew how much I am suffering internally every day. i do not even know why I cannot forget her, I did not even had a chance to meet her. i hope someday, i will learn to love myself too, so I can think of a way to just get her out of my mind just like what she did to me. Why would I even get a bad carma back, if all I did was to love someone from the virtual world truthfully? i am hoping that the feelings aren't real, so that this would just be very easy for me and manning up would not be that difficult. but the fact is, the feelings are true and real. Fck this. i hope one day, I will wake up and all the feelings I have for her will be gone. She is not here anymore. There is no more reason for me to feel this way. I don't pave the way for people... People pave the way for me.
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May 2016
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