I was actually taking the process of trying to accept that she's already gone when I received a message and a call from her. That night when I was driving using a friend's car in Visayas, I tried to pull over and talked to her. It was actually not easy for me to talk to someone that I know I have hurt. Especially if that someone is so dear to me. (06-14-15)
One thing that I have to admit in this blog is why I grabbed photos before and put it on my Facebook account. For some years since my ex-fiancee left me, I have deactivated my world into social media. It was late 2013 when I started to slowly bring myself back.
Going back to what I was telling in the second part of my story. This girl who happened to own the name on that piece of paper that was given to me was the same girl that I fooled. My words in this blog seem uncontrolled now but I know she will never know because she will never see this site. I grabbed some photos from someone I do not really know and put it on my site. It was actually there even before I messaged her and I never removed it.
Yes I know that whoever will read this will judge why I have done that. But it was actually unintentional. However, I will not call it accidental. I have put it there and got lazy to remove it 'til the time I met her online. I actually added some more to those photos, and thought of revealing the truth to her when I meet her personally.
I do not really know what entered my mind that time, but I got scared to let her know that those photos aren't mine. Ever since, I had this feeling of not being accepted because I did not even feel it from my own father.
Having this kind of disorder made me the worst person that I couldn't even imagine I can be. I hid some parts of my real personality because of this selfish feeling of fear. Days passed by and I planned to tell her everything at least a day before we meet. But everything was discovered even days before that happened.
Since childhood, I got used to processing my own self about the bullshit things that I did and everything that happened around me. But this one, I could not even process independently. I have done that worst mistake in my entire life, and having this kind of pain right now is what I truly deserve.
Now, I am sure she got the peace of mind and heart that she's been longing to have after what I did to her. That was equivalent to every broken piece of me. Each broken piece of myself right now is actually in exchange of her happiness. For the first or second time in my life time, I tried not to be selfish. I prayed for speedy recovery not of my patients. I actually learned to beg through a prayer for at least one time in my life. All I wanted is to spare her from the long-lasting pain. She does not deserve to be hurt but I still did it. All I want now is for her to be the happiest, in exchange of every air that I painfully breathe.
One thing that I have to admit in this blog is why I grabbed photos before and put it on my Facebook account. For some years since my ex-fiancee left me, I have deactivated my world into social media. It was late 2013 when I started to slowly bring myself back.
Going back to what I was telling in the second part of my story. This girl who happened to own the name on that piece of paper that was given to me was the same girl that I fooled. My words in this blog seem uncontrolled now but I know she will never know because she will never see this site. I grabbed some photos from someone I do not really know and put it on my site. It was actually there even before I messaged her and I never removed it.
Yes I know that whoever will read this will judge why I have done that. But it was actually unintentional. However, I will not call it accidental. I have put it there and got lazy to remove it 'til the time I met her online. I actually added some more to those photos, and thought of revealing the truth to her when I meet her personally.
I do not really know what entered my mind that time, but I got scared to let her know that those photos aren't mine. Ever since, I had this feeling of not being accepted because I did not even feel it from my own father.
Having this kind of disorder made me the worst person that I couldn't even imagine I can be. I hid some parts of my real personality because of this selfish feeling of fear. Days passed by and I planned to tell her everything at least a day before we meet. But everything was discovered even days before that happened.
Since childhood, I got used to processing my own self about the bullshit things that I did and everything that happened around me. But this one, I could not even process independently. I have done that worst mistake in my entire life, and having this kind of pain right now is what I truly deserve.
Now, I am sure she got the peace of mind and heart that she's been longing to have after what I did to her. That was equivalent to every broken piece of me. Each broken piece of myself right now is actually in exchange of her happiness. For the first or second time in my life time, I tried not to be selfish. I prayed for speedy recovery not of my patients. I actually learned to beg through a prayer for at least one time in my life. All I wanted is to spare her from the long-lasting pain. She does not deserve to be hurt but I still did it. All I want now is for her to be the happiest, in exchange of every air that I painfully breathe.