I noticed that I have not posted blogs for the past few weeks. I am not really aware of what has been happening to me. When I woke up from a deep sleep, (which is not literally a sleep) I found myself talking to a psychiatrist. She's been asking me questions. I dunno why I could not even remember why am I in front of a psychiatrist. I just know I've been coming back to her and she keeps asking me series of questions. My thoughts are in a muddle. I do not exactly know what is going on with me. That may also be the reason why I was recommended to talk to her. I just need someone to talk to. I do not trust anyone around me. Everyone will leave, even those who promised that they will stay. Nothing lasts forever. Forever is non-existent. Our world exists within a sad reality. We are completely alone in this world and anyone that tells me otherwise is simply lying to me or is too ignorant to understand what it is they are truly saying. I have experienced being left behind by the people who told me I can rely on them. And because of them, I do not trust anyone.
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I waited for several days again because she left. I waited because I thought she might want to see me. I've actually messaged her the last time but she did not respond so I waited. Until I realized, I cannot do anything about that anymore. For days I am making myself busy being the business consultant of my grandfather. I am not going to type here several heartache issues about my life anymore. Just a few realizations and thoughts. This morning I woke up and reflected on something that I wrote --> "To ache is to be alive". All I did for several days was to feel the intense pain of being left behind by the woman I fell in love with, online. It is positive because I went beyond loving someone from the real world where I'm at. I never decided to love her, it just happened. I was able to feel something, which I've always believed as one of the most impossible things that a man can ever feel. To love someone I haven't met. The feelings are as real as it can get for me, because that feeling of love is something that I rarely feel. I know the difference and I am too old for infatuation. I hate the feeling of being left behind. And I felt the feeling of pain these past few days. I allowed it to break even the inner parts of my heart - - -my arteries and veins. I allowed it to destroy me until I found myself faced down in the ditch, then I raised myself from failure. I decided to change, not for someone, not for her, but for myself. It's true, lessons can be learned from heartbreaks and true love. I decided to change so I can be whole again, become a real man, a real person. I would just like to share the song that I have been singing and playing on my guitar this past few days. I can say it helped me release and overcome the pain. Watch the video of the song below. I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing Just prayed to a God that I don't believe in 'Cause I got time while she got freedom 'Cause when a heart breaks, no, it don't break even Her best days were some of my worst She finally met a man that's gonna put her first While I'm wide awake she's no trouble sleeping 'Cause when a heart breaks no it don't break even... even... no What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you? And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're OK? I'm falling to pieces, yeah, I'm falling to pieces They say bad things happen for a reason But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding 'Cause she's moved on while I'm still grieving And when a heart breaks no it don't break even, even... no What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you? And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're OK? I'm falling to pieces, yeah, I'm falling to pieces, yeah, I'm falling to pieces (One still in love while the other one's leaving) I'm falling to pieces ('Cause when a heart breaks no it don't break even) Oh, you got his heart and my heart and none of the pain You took your suitcase, I took the blame. Now I'm tryna make sense of what little remains, ooh 'Cause you left me with no love and honour to my name. I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing Just prayed to a God that I don't believe in 'Cause I got time while she got freedom 'Cause when a heart breaks, no, it don't break... No, it don't break No, it don't break even, no What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you? And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're OK? (Oh glad you're okay now) I'm falling to pieces, yeah I'm falling to pieces, yeah (Oh I'm falling, falling) I'm falling to pieces, (One still in love while the other one's leaving) I'm falling to pieces ('Cause when a heart breaks, no, it don't break even) Oh, it don't break even no Oh, it don't break even no Oh, it don't break even no There are, I think, only two types of people. There are those who ache, and those who don’t. I have yet to meet those who don’t. I ache for the unrealisable dreams, I ache for the options I didn’t take. I ache for the world as I wish it was. I ache because I love the world, and I hate I’ll have to leave it so soon, too soon. I knew a man who ached because he’d always wanted slightly more. I knew a man. She would lie beside him, and she could never be enough, and he knew it, because he would always want more. Does the ache get passed by the hurt?
There are two types of people, those who live and those who don't. I’d wrap you in silk if I thought it would keep you safe but I know the only way to live is to love so much it aches. Love everything, love the hurt that loving can leave. To ache is to be alive. Refer to my facebook post for you to know what I am thinking.
I burst into tears because of disappointment. I rarely cry over something but I have to shed tears for someone who left just like that. I used to have a stone-heart before I became connected to Kim. Tonight, I cried a lot out of frustration. She left and I could not do anything because she does not want to respond to me. I hate myself for believing that one day I could turn myself into a human being that can love and be loved. I'm now taking a stand to escape whatever it is that I am feeling inside. I've decided to let go of the feeling that she wasted. I need to kill my heart because I never wanna get hurt again. If I have to turn myself into a monster, then I will. Nobody can ever hurt me this way again.
How to Fix a Broken Heart
The topic that I wrote above about fixing my broken heart is what I currently have in mind right now. But I changed my mind and decided to discuss another topic. It's been quite a while since I last wrote a blog, and as usual, many things happened to me these past few days and weeks. 1. As I mentioned in my last blog, I was diagnosed to have another brain illness. It is a Grade III brain tumor. Prognosis were given to me, however, I am still having confusion about what should I do. 2. Kim went back to tell me she's gonna give me a chance to get to know her and wait for me. But, situations came and both of us still haven't met. Whenever I was available, things happened to us and the last time that I was able to go, she did not even respond. To cut it short, she's gone,.... again. She left as quick as a lightning. 3. Yesterday, 3 doctors told me that I can still live up to 2 years or less. If you are going to analyze my depressing posts, you will say I am publishing this right now because I have no one to talk to. You can say that. I have my own family and friends outside but I do not find it comfortable to share my thoughts and feelings to them. For the past few months, I relied to someone I met online as someone I could talk to. Sharing my feelings to her made me develop infatuation at first. This fleeting something developed into a real care that I've always had for her for the past few months. I've also been wondering how come or why I suddenly felt this way for her. It's the most unusual emotion that I have ever felt and developed. I started relying on her even if she already went away few months ago. Despite her absence I still yearned for her to come back. And she did, ............... but Kim also left me immediately. Today, something is happening in me. I mean in me. Inside me. The problem is, I care way too much about people who does not give a damn on me. I cared for her and asked her to wait, but she left me alone. She even told me a lie, that no one deserves this kind of misery. But why is it that she left me broken and mangled even if she knew I would feel a lot more miserable? I am dying inside bit by bit. I am feeling the pain because my love is true. Now I have no one to talk to. I am choosing to stay away from people too, Alone in the world where she left me like a fool. According to the doctors, my life expectancy is less than 2 years. Glioblastoma Multiforme is one of the most aggressive brain tumors. I am here to live my life to continue to help my employees and other people in our company's business.. 2 years may be a little short for me, but it gives me ample time to prepare and fix myself. I decided not to talk to anyone about this illness. Whenever I feel my heart tearing apart inside my chest, I just keep it to myself. Whenever I feel that a hammer is like smashing my brain, I try to feel the pain on my own - because she left me alone. I know, people would come and go just like Kim. She knows what I have and what I feel. But she still chose to throw away the love that has made me ill. I chose not to talk about this with someone, cause eventually people will leave and I will be hurt again. She left and hurt me intentionally. Kim just used her trust issues about me and all the things that I haven't done until now. But the truth is, she does not want me anymore. In the reality of life, who wants to be with an ill young man? She might have thought that she needs to take care of me. But she does not have to do that. For a decade, I was able to live all by myself and build my own life. The every day and night pains in my head would not change the fact that I was able to bring myself up alone for the past 10 years. I am totally wrecked right now because of what she has done to me. She left me at this point of my life where there is a collision of a storm and a tornado. I dunno when can I write again. The excruciating pain inside my head happens more often. Sometimes, my vision turns blurry. I don't even know until when can I still talk to people through this blog. How to Fix a Broken Heart? Or a broken soul? Last Wednesday, I had an appointment with 2 neurologist friends. They actually called me because they wanted to tell me about the CT scan results I had last week. I had an accident and CT scan and few other tests were done to me.
My 2 friends, Victor and Miguel read the results to me and they said that lumps were found in my brain during a CT scan. They referred me to another neuro to have the 2nd opinion. This neuro also found out about the lumps located in my brain. One is located in a very complicated part of my brain. This one has been hurting so much for the past weeks. It's kind of surprising on my part to know that I have these lumps. I know I have brain aneursym and I wonder how in the world did I have brain tumors. I am strong and a bit buff and ever since I believe that I am one of the strongest man on earth. But when the doctors found out about my Grade 3 brain lumps, I could not believe it and my whole world suddenly fell apart. I am now feeling lonely because I know the dreams I have for my future will remain as "just" dreams because I do not even know how long would I still live. Questions keep running in my mind. And I can't help but ask, Why me? I am young and I am not even 30. I dream of having my own family and giving them the world. But how can I even give the world to them if I might not have a chance to have them. I am very disappointed that this has to happen to me. Everyday I feel dizzy and uncontrollable headaches. No one knows how painful those headaches are. Every time I read or watch something, my vision turns blurry. I cannot imagine myself having this sickness. Who else is going to accept me now? :( I am going to continue living alone in my condo unit. Whatever will be, will be. I am now wondering what will happen to everything I built and saved if someday, I really have to leave. Whatever will be, will be? No. I might have to do something about these until I am still feeling strong. Someday, everything I have will go to whoever is worth it. I just realized, she will not even bother to look at this blog because she does not care about what I think, feel and not even care about me as a person. No more big drama. I will just continue with my life cause life goes on even if there's pain in the heart. True feelings are not necessarily reciprocated by real love. There's a need to care before learning how to love. And she does not even care about me.
Hours after the big event happened to me someone knocked at my door. When I opened it after around 5 minutes I saw my grandfather standing next to my door. My old man followed me after what happened.
Grandfather: I just had to close my restaurant before I go here. (The conversation was in Mandarin but I will translate it in English) Me: (did not speak) Grandfather: You do not have to hate her. It might be a misunderstanding. Me: (did not speak) Grandfather: Do not worry about what happened. Joseph and the other children understood it. We prepared for it because you said she's special. Me: (stared) (Then I got my phone and started recording my grandpa's voice) (I like recording his words of wisdom, his messages saved to my records tend to inspire me during my down moments) Grandfather: It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone. Imagine smiling after a slap in the face. Then think of doing it twenty-four hours a day. Me: What about dad? Grandfather: Your dad is a very tough person. He underwent so much pain before he achieved so much. Think of this as a challenge. Someone will come and love you for who you are. Pain is there because you are feeling love. At least you know that you still feel something inside (pointed at my chest). -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My thoughts now before I sleep: Tears shed for another person are not a sign of weakness. They are a sign of a pure heart. Now I know, I could really love someone. I will treat what happened this afternoon as a lesson so I can stop being a little boy in many ways and I can be a better man. Now that I know that I have the capability to love like this, I would do it better. And by the time I receive a reciprocated love, I will do my best for it. This is what I need, love. And with my capacity to give it I know I will receive it too. I know that is what I deserve. For now, I would feel this pain and sleep with it. But tomorrow is a brandnew day to love, and be loved. Mr. Michael Wong is not really cold-hearted as people around used to say. I'll let the pain remain in my heart first. In time, this will heal. Thank you yeye(Grandpa) for loving me this much. I dunno how I will survive this life without you and your words. I was belittled by my dad infront of my relatives and grandparents. as I entered my room several seconds ago, each step made me feel so little. Each step I take made me feel very small. I feel so broken right now. Dad is right, I am a fool to believe that somebody could ever risk her self to love me. I don't know that true love deserves this kind of feeling in return.
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May 2016
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