I'm a mess of a person but when I like or love someone, I am loyal and I love with everything I have.
After a long time on the street where I bumped a car and fortunately did not have lots of scratches because my car is big, I had a fight with another driver and his wife. Intersections are for drivers who can manage to overtake and not for slow people.
I just realized, i changed. For the worse i think. I hate her for actually not giving me a chance and leaving me alone in this situation! I have to stop feeling this. I have to stop. I do not want this anymore. I have to stop. I do not like this pain anymore. I have to stop. I am alone in this and I cannot stand this on my own. I got no one to talk to about this, not even my brother or closest friends who think I am a goddamn asshole for feeling this way to someone I unintentionally fooled but have not met. Is this carma. Cause I do not want it anymore. This has to stop. It has to stop. I cannot even tell this to anyone because no one listens. She left me hanging cause she does not know me. She does not know me enough. She does not know anything about my past. She does not know my past. She does not know how I am feeling right now. I hate her for leaving me into this. I hate myself more. I hate myself the most. I need to go out of whatever it is that I am feeling. I need this to stop. This has to stop. She left me in this. She is inconsiderate. She is the reason why I am like this. I hate myself. I hate myself so much. This has to stop. This has to stop. It has to stop.
It's unfair to be hurt alone. Knowing and believing she has moved on. I can't stand that I am the only one getting hurt. I have made a mistake but it's unfair for me to get stuck with someone who does not even care about me. I should let this pass. I do not want this anymore. If she has moved on, then I will do that too. She knows that she complemented my completeness. But I am fragile, and yet she still left me. I have to stop this, whatever it takes, and in any way. I cannot feel this anymore. I know I have felt it enough.
after locking up myself inside my room for days, I decided to man up and be the way like how other people see me. My brother already left and went to Canada with his wife several days ago. And like what all people around me know, a girl left me without even giving the chance I was asking for. Oh yes, goddamn it. I was the one who made a mistake and who am i to be forgiven if she did not even know me personally. But she did not even realize that she killed me by just rejecting the ways I fought for a place in her life. I do not even know if she has a new guy that's why she left.
People are like that! They do not even think about the good things you have done. Cause the way they see you depends on one single mistake you did! Being able to treat a girl special in my own way and being nice to her all those times did not matter at all. Just because of a mistake that she could not really forgive. I know, I could just disappear in her life and it will not even make a difference. I would just have to give what she wants. And that's for me to stop. Regardless of what or how I feel for her, she did not care anyway. I am tired of insisting myself. That boy who seeked for love all this time is gone, is dead. I learned to never insist myself to anyone. No one can ever hurt me again. Whatever i am right now, just accept it. I am sure she does not see my blogs. Because when I gave the other parts of this blog to her, she just seenzoned me like a snobbish person "who did not even talk to me for 2 weeks". I am sure she will not even take any of her precious time just to look at the blog of an unknown person who just came into her virtual life.
What I mean is, who am I to say all these feelings for her if she does not even care. I am sure, like 105 percent sure that even though i say here whatever it is the comes into my mind, she will never see. I hope someday she won't do anything wrong to someone she will love. Then be treated like "Do I know you?!". She made me look like the worst person ever, and even a dumb trying to fight for a position in her life. And so I tried. But who am I right? She does not even know me, and I disappearing from her life won't even make a difference. I think i have done the bullshittiest thing ever of not telling the truth about me to someone i like. But what i have done to myself is worse. Falling for someone that i have never met and expecting for her to stay despite of that one single mistake. I knew it, she will never accept me because of being a bp. Today after my volunteer work, I was able to sing for the families(maybe that's why it is raining all day). But at least aside from helping other people I was able to do what I really like to do(which I often do, like thrice a week). When I was in Canada, while I was studying surgery, I have entered Online Serenade as my sideline. This is for me not to forget my voice lessons when I was a teenager(or the lessons will forget me-whatsoever). Haha!
Sadly, she is gone. I could've dedicated my serenade songs for her. It's not so cheesy i think. Being both a Science person and a little bit into music is the kind of life I have chosen to live. It's rainy season and the traffic here in Makati makes me feel boredom inside my car and write in this blog. Have to do my reckless moves now cause I have to be home before 1am. It is the 2nd of July and I just got home from a volunteer work and feeding program. I was actually invited by my friend, Dr. Vlad to join his brother's program in Pasay area. And because I am living with a helper and a driver, I took the chance to ask Manang to cook a lot of food for the feeding. The day was exciting. It is nice to help people around not only by volunteering to cure but also through feeding. It actually feels better in the morning than during night.
I am also need to renew here in the Philippines so I could stay here as long as I need to. My family has already migrated to Canada and being alone in the country of my Mom will be worth it if I will be able to help more and more people. At least for the first time, I did not discuss here a depressing feeling. Most of the time, it is just better to think about other people's sake and get busy with it than drown myself with frustration. Now I need to sleep for another work day tomorrow noon. |
Dr. Michael Wong's pageI am Mike, Archives
May 2016
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